Life Update: Counseling

So my mother sought out counseling for me, I have been through two sessions, and its actually very interesting the way these counselors do their job. I sometimes wonder if they live what they speak.....sort of like a preacher....nobody is perfect, but yet they give advice as if they would act correctly in all situations that are considered sinful or destine for failure.

Anyway, today I went for another session at 2pm and he, my counselor, Jim Anderson, talked with me for over an hour, he said that he doesn't usually talk with his clients over the time limit but in my case he said that I am a very interesting individual and he loves the way I speak on how I feel about life, he said that I am singular because of my views in which he has never heard any of his clients express before. That made me feel kind of cool lol....maybe he's playing a mind game, I dunno....but he asked me what I like to do, and I told him I love art and anything thats associated with art. So he told me that there is nothing better than to do what I love.....So after the session ended I went straight to Barnes & Noble and stocked up on about $60 worth in art supplies....then I went to my community college and signed up for spring computer graphic design classes which will be starting on the 17th of Feb....i'm gonna "go hard" for a while with my art since I know I'm honestly a loner with not much people to hang around or no real responsiblities or activities to attend to.....I haven't drawn anything in a lonnnng time....so its time to get back to business and express myself the way I used to when I had nothing else to do.

He wrote his personal cell phone number on the back of his business card that only provides his office number and office address information and he claims that he never gives out his cell phone number so that if I needed to talk with him I could call him at ANYTIME, and I was like what the hell??! Im like breaking all the rules with this guy lol....making unorthodox situations.... like right now...it could be 5am and he wouldn't care if I called, he said there is nothing that is more important to him than helping others feel like there is a reason to live.... that's what he told me....and that made me feel good too.

We discussed a lot of shit about life in general and a lot of what he was saying made sense of course, because he's a counselor with a degree and blah blah so he knows what he's talkin about lol, like my first session with him was intense because he was very stern and direct with me....no "beading around the bush" or whatever....and he told me that everything is a thought.....even being horny...thats an emotion but its triggered from your thoughts....so you can control it by thinking of something that disgust you.....and thats true cuz I remember being in church with my mom when I was younger, and of course there are attractive girls everywhere, and my hormones would rage badly....but i'd think of an old fat lady and I didnt feel that way anymore....its all in the mind.....we choose to be sad, we choose to be angry, we choose to be happy.

I think this guy has brought me to the deepest conversation i've ever had in my entire life.

I went to Bri's house today because she is moving a couple blocks down and her family needed as much help as possible, so I just came back home from doing that and im exhausted lol....wall units and beds and big screen tv's .... It felt good to just move boxes and help out, I met her mom, she's a down to earth lady, they fed me and the other guys that were helping out with the move chicken and potato salad....that was good....and I had a good time, one of the movers took a long break, bought a six pack of beers and got drunk...so he was mad funny, and I hadnt laughed like that in days. It's crazy because I havent seen or talked to any of my close friends but yet I went to see Bri just because she called and asked me to come help her out...and I really didnt want to but it got my mind off of all the sadness in my life.

I'm not "healed"...im in the process, and that shit doesn't happen over night....im still angry at God, im still sad, feeling empty, still wondering of easy ways to die and what-not and I still wish to find out what my purpose is here. My counselor said that a part of depression comes from not moving...when you don't move, you sit, and you drown in your thoughts...he told me when I feel depressed, start walking, anywhere, even in the house up and down the stairs and take deep breaths, and with that he gave me this small clear see-through cube....he told me to hold it while I move and to only think of the clear cube, because its nothing but a cube, and I tried it....even while I was helping Bri move....and it kinda does the trick.....he said that he has a clear cube too and he keeps it in his pocket where ever he goes, so that's what I did today, this stupid little clear cube that doesn't have any purpose or use for anything helped take my mind off of depressing thoughts temporarily.....even though when I stop thinking of the cube the bad thoughts instantly come back....he told me the way it works is to think of the cube, then when the bad thoughts return, picture those bad thoughts going into the cube...and then disappearing......then start thinking of beautiful things in life coming out of the cube....and its funny because I love the stars so I started thinking of starts bursting out of the clear cube....and then while moving some item out of the U-Haul I realized that I live in a part of california where the stars are very visible at night....when you're in the city...you can barely see them....and I apperciated being here when I realized that.

Eric Davis