Life update: Death

Well since i'm still alive...I might as well fucking blog.

I tried taking my life last night, I took 8 of my mothers Ibuprofen pills, she has 2 medium sized bottles of it so it was of hard to notice since I took 4 from each bottle.

I took the pills, started driving aimlessly, wrecklessly, and very fast ( 90+ ). I drove taking random roads and turns until I was lost, without gas and in a remote spot. I was just feeling lightweight, my stomach hurt very badly and I felt very sluggish. I fell asleep alone in a dark area in the car until sunrise and then woke up calling AAA to come so I could get enough gas in my car to make it home....it took AAA long to find out where I was located because I didnt even know how I got there myself, I had to get out of my car and walk to the nearest cross street...then once I informed AAA it took 2 hours for him to come.... the AAA tow-truck-guy asked me how and why I ended up in a spot like that with no gas, I just told him I was very drunk and didn't know where I was going....he laughed and said "I remember those days"....little does he know im at my lowest peak emotionally and was hoping for some wack ass pills to take my life away......after signing a paper and showing him my membership information he quickly hooked my car unto the tow truck and we made it to the nearest gas station..... from there he gave me directions to get home.

Obviously 8 pills wasn't enough.....I thought it would be though...the pills I took are 800mg each....I just got done reading about how a person can survive practically overdosing on pills and I came to the conclusion that I should've just taken the whole bottle....the effect the pills have on a person varies from your weight and height...and i'm am a very tall and slender individual so honestly I wish I would have taken more...... because I am still suicidal.

Last night while I was in my car waiting to die I was crying horrendously, screaming at the top of my lungs, honking the horn and asking God why he allows my life to be cursed. After sitting, waiting for the pills to officially do what I wanted them to do, I assumed the pills weren't going to work...... so I decided to text the people who were "concerned" about me killing myself and I let them know I was not dead.

Alerting my friends with suicide led one to find out a secret that I was keeping since the summer.

I don't like God anymore, I tried to like him but he brings me through much unnecessary obstacals. What type of God allows someone he "loves" believe for three months that he is HIV positive? Why would God give me parents that have a life that I have been forced to live in? Why didn't God give me a normal life like my friends or just people in general? Why does God allow me to fall in love with the wrong women and allow the wrong women to fall in love with me? Why does God give good opportunites to only certain people? Why does God make it a commandment to not covet but shoves things like love and passion, which I do not have but the ones around me do, in my face? I ask these questions all the time and this is why I am suicidal because God has given me no answer....of course we have "blessings" but why doesn't God give a good person like me what I want instead of only giving me "blessings" that most average people in this world generally appreciate? I am a good person, I dont do anything wrong to anybody.....I am generous at times and I always give damn good advice, I do not lead a life free of sin but who fucking does????? There are plenty of sinners who fucking get what they want out of life...so this is bullshit.. Blessings, in my opinion, are things that you notice and are life changing and not deceitful....not an arm, a leg, or health, or a home, or a car, or clothes on your back....those shouldn't be fucking blessings and i'm sick of appreciating them....GOD PUT US ON THIS FUCKING EARTH WE DIDNT FUCKING ASK...SO GOD SHOULDN'T MAKE US FEEL AS IF WE SHOULD FEEL FUCKING "BLESSED" TO HAVE SUCH NORMAL FUCKING THINGS LIKE A FUCKING LEG AND A HOME.....Last night I felt like I was unwanted and despised....I am not where I want to be in my life and I feel like it is going to be impossible for I have no ambition or drive to fight through "what it takes to be successful," I am a mere paperweight, a sack of shit with little knowledge of reason or purpose for continuing to live on this earth.

So that's why I tried to take my life away last night.

Thanks for reading.