Leaving California

I'm a few weeks away from leaving California. I'll blog about my experiences from then on.

Until then...

Suicide.

I almost took my own life last year. Never have I been at such a low point where I felt like nobody cared if I was alive or not, it was a cry out for attention and love.

I'm awake late just thinking about that time last year, it's so embarrassing, because it's not normal to want to die. There are some people with worse lives than I have and they still manage to keep their sanity and continue living on.

I guess life is based on how strong you are mentally and obviously at that time I was very weak....
But...
I am thankful that I survived my attempt to kill myself because I am stronger now, I know that I'd rather just stick through all the hard times and enjoy whatever good comes in my life than to drown in the depression and make it end my life earlier than it's supposed to end.

To anyone that wants to commit suicide, I don't blame them, life is horrible, really horrible... but there is nothing that can be done about that....so we have to do the best we can to be happy regardless of what life throws at us.....be courteous to the people who do care about you and want you to live, stay alive for them, if you feel that there is no one out there who cares that you live, it's not true, because you care enough about yourself to cry, feel pain and depression so that's all that matters... We all want to feel loved, but what's better than loving yourself? Practice being alone more often, enjoying time alone to find yourself instead of depending on other company to make you feel self worth, it sounds crazy, but that's how I get through shit sometimes.

When I die:

I have come to grips with the fact that when I die there just might not be anything but nothingness.

I am at peace with knowing that we will have an end someday...I don't really like the thought of being somewhere eternally, Heaven or Hell, they both creep me the fuck out.

Hell: You burn in agonizing pain forever and ever until forever.

Heaven: You live like a robot worshiping "God" forever and ever until forever.

When you realize that this life is all we have and after that there is nothing, you cherish this life more than the average person..... my relationship with my mother has become far more better communication wise and I spend much more time with her now that I've found myself.

When you realize this, you live life to the fullest instead of fucking being afraid of some Overlord documenting your every move......making you feel bad if you have sex or go to work on a Sunday. If you don't believe and live by some rules in a book you'll burn in a fucking fiery pit of hell? No...not me.

I choose to enjoy my life as much as possible, happiness is not guaranteed but at least we can all try by respecting each other, being kind and helpful, making sure that this world is a better place to live, just because you are a Muslim, Catholic, Gay, Straight, White, Poor, Rich etc doesn't make you inferior or superior to me.

Religion sets us apart as human beings, there are Muslims out there planning to bomb themselves along with other innocent people for their Religion....the belief that they will die and have 72 virgins waiting for them or some bullshit....it's madness.

Anyway, back to the initial topic.....when I die, don't pray that I'm in Heaven watching over you, don't have a preacher pray over my body, don't read any Bible scriptures, just mourn my death and move on with your life, later on, be happy that I am at relief from the trauma and craziness of this world.

It's really hard to think about nothingness after death since we were all raised being taught to believe that our souls will be somewhere, but isn't it a better feeling knowing that we don't have to fear the afterlife just in-case we live the way we choose to live?

Davis

2010

2010 is going to suck just like 2009 did, the only year I'm looking forward to is 2012 to see if the world will end.

Update:

Last night I had a dream I was wrestling with a random guy on the top of a skyscraper building trying to jump off it. It was a really intense dream. I woke up feeling exhausted as if I really was struggling with someone.

My Halloween night was cool. I saw my ex earlier tonight at a random spot. I said hi, gave her a lame hug and she said "You look like you've got taller" I said "oh" then she said "well nice seeing you, bye" We both smiled at each other and she walked off with her friend. It's just weird how life is though because I can recall seeing her everyday of the week, talking to her everyday on the phone, text messages, aim, dinner, lunch, the whole shabang.... and then it comes to just a "nice seeing you." lol.... yeah, life is crazy...I don't really care for her anymore of course since its been a few years but sometimes I wonder where life has taken her and what she's been up to, what type of guy she is with or if she's single....I wonder that type of stuff about every girl I've ever had feelings for but there's a quote I read that goes "Don't worry about the people in your past there is a reason why they aren't in your present and future."

I've been in Costa Mesa a lot, I'm supposed to be moving out there so I've been handling a lot of business. Hopefully my life will be better out there, I really like it out there.

As far as the baby situation. The girl I got pregnant went out of town in the beginning of October and she'll be back by the 11th of November so I haven't seen her in a while. I had a long talk with her before she left and she came to the conclusion that she would "Induce a miscarriage." Since then I haven't seen her, but she claimed she had a miscarriage, then 2 weeks later she claims she is still pregnant, so I have no clue what the fuck is going on until I see her again..... I honestly hope she isn't still pregnant because I don't have feelings for her and I don't want a baby with a girl that I don't care for. I talk to her occasionally on the phone and through text messages but she's basically like a ghost to me and our conversations are VERY dull. I don't know her too well... When I first met her she approached me at the mall, got my number, then I talked to her on the phone for about a month without seeing her, then I finally went over her place and had sex with her...then we had sex a few times after that.....nothing else, no dates, no dinner, no coffee shop....nothing.... So I have no clue about her personality or anything, shes just a girl with my baby in her stomach. Which is a stupid situation of course, I really need to get myself straight when it comes to sex...sex really takes over my mind, I had power over rejecting sex but once I gave in and let myself get back into being sexually active I couldn't resist it no matter how bad I felt inside or how unsafe it could be.

Anyway that's my update, I have much more but that's good enough for now thanks for reading.

Eric Davis.

Christianity:

I have a problem with Christians. Not Christianity itself, but with the people who claim they are Christians. Why? Well, I hear people bring up their beliefs as a Christian all the time but yet those are the ones you see doing every thing the Bible says not to. Lusting, fucking and everything else under the sun. See, of course I sin, but I don't walk about saying "I am a God fearing man I am saved blah blah blah." If you're God fearing how 'bout you fucking act like it, shut the fuck up and stop sinning.

What I don't understand about Christians is that they think they can use God all the time, go to church to be innocent for one damn day and then go right back into sinning all because God will forgive them if they ask him to. Bitches in the church be all up in the club, suckin dick, getting drunk.... same with niggas, lusting after each and every girl that has a fat ass, watching pornos. Seems pretty stupid to me. In fact, I don't get the whole concept. How is a sin valid if God keeps forgiving you and allows you into Heaven? That means we all have the same EQUAL chance to get into Heaven regardless of the degree of our sins. For instance, if I continuously commit the sin of fornication then right after I bust a nut I get down on my knees and ask God for forgiveness and then a another guy who is a serial killer ask God to forgive him after every murder, we both get to go to Heaven....hummm, doesn't seem fair to me....that means that every sin is equal no matter the consequence it may cause. Sex in my opinion is beautiful and an act of love and bonding regardless of marriage. Murder is an act of hatred...period....so how do those two become equal? I might as well keep fuckin all these bitches, keep cursing, hell...I might as well even kill a motherfucka... shit...after I do all that...i'll ask God for forgiveness and i'm on my way to eternal life in Heaven with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I am a generally happy person now days, I've done my best to keep level-headed. But I am just a HUGE thinker. When I get time alone I think a very heavily about life and I start to ask myself questions and give myself answers and conclusions to the things I contemplate about. Especially stuff that annoys me, like fake Christians....

My point is, if you're going to be a Christian....REALLY BE A CHRISTIAN, don't take the title lightly. Don't have sex until you're married. Don't lust. Don't break the laws of the land. Don't covet thy neighbor...ya know...all that stuff.....REALLY BE A CHRISTIAN and stop fronting because you'll like look a hypocrite.

Eric Davis.