It's funny how loneliness can keep a person awake. When you think that you have people to talk to but everyone is busy, or sleep, it's late and you're the only one up with thoughts that you wish you could control but you don't want to stop thinking these thoughts or else you wouldn't be thinking them. You find yourself hitting up people that you wouldn't normally contact on a regular because they're a last resort for conversation or company. I know I have been, or am still, a victim of being a last resort, so I try to not use people who I really don't care to deal with on a regular day because it's wrong. I think.
Maybe I should go out for a run or a walk, it's 1am, so maybe that'll give me fatigue.
I don't know why I have these feelings of relying on other people, certain people, but everyone needs company, everyone needs someone to talk to or be there for them physically and emotionally. It reminds me of this neighbor I had when I was younger, he was old and alone. No grandchildren came to visit. Nobody, period. He would sit outside, watch people, look at the cars go by, read, then go inside when he was ready. I remember he tried to hold a conversation with me, and me being a young kid with a short attention span I didn't want to stick around to chat with him, but I could tell he wanted to keep talking to me for as long as possible. That was over 10 years ago. He had to be in his mid 60's around that time. So hopefully he's found someone that he can be accompanied by or I hope he has passed away, because I wouldn't want to live on this earth at an old age without anyone to care for, and vice versa.
I hope I can find someone again who will always be available for me, or at least make sure they can be there for me when possible. I know that no one in their right mind is just going to be sitting around waiting to tend to my needs, people have lives and I don't expect a person not to have a schedule, but at times like this, when I want someone to be intellectual, affectionate and intimate with, I want to be able to at least know that I can call on her, anytime, and not feel like i'm bothering her, because right now I'm in need. Where are you?
Thanks for reading,
Eric
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Awake:
Posted by Eric Davis at 1:10 AM
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2 comments:
i can totally relate...
sometimes i lay in my bed litterally waiting for someone to text or call--a sign that lets me know someone is thinking about me and cares...i feel bad when no one does, but then i have to remember that, yes, people have their own lives too. I don't think it's being needy...but ya. I dunno about you, but I"ve always been alone...my dad has hella kids, but I'm the only one from my mom and dad together...so I never really had anyone to play with as a kid. Of course there were school & neighborhood kids, but my mom is extremely paranoid! lol so now i don't have any social skills when it comes to people...therefore i feel sort of like I can't go outside and meet new people so I won't be so dependent on others....darn it...i let out a little toooooo much! ahahahaha but anywho....let's just say that i know what you're going through!
A year and a half ago I can say I was pretty popular. I went to parties constantly. I had plenty of girls blowing up and texting my phone....now it seems like it came down to nothing.....I think its because i've pushed everyone away due to my random depression. I have friends and only a selective few because people are shady and not many can be trusted.
But none of them ( female wise ) I honestly can say I can call at any moment to express my angers, emotions, happiness, and laughter, or even call them up for company to be there for me physically... because I haven't met anyone lately who I feel can deal with me on that level. I've lost one person who I felt can do that...we were never in a relationship but we had a connection and that's where I wanted to keep it, but yeah, that opportunity seems long gone, so now i'm alone...wondering when I'll find someone else that I can feel the same way with.
Hey Maribee, I appreciate you reading my blog and giving me feedback, it makes me feel good to vent and know that someone can read and give an in depth opinion and understanding towards it :) you're a cool chick.
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