Life Update: HIV

Well. Im up late again....or shall I say early.

Thinking about what I went through with having the thought that my life was controlled forever by a virus ....it still hurts because it messed up a portion of my life and my emotions. When my mother became aware of the situation she was into it for the first week or so...we were looking up information on how we could take legal action for emotional distress and money for pills against the clinic who tested me.....reading about false positive cases online.....and then it came to nothing, like we don't even talk about it, as if it never happend......that's because we've never had a close relationship enough to speak about sex or anything pertaining to sex.....relationships....anything like that....so yeah....im glad that I don't have it, but I still feel like I have it, because I haven't had sex in the past 7 months and I still feel like i'm not allowed to.

I sort of wish I had really had hiv sometimes, because when I thought I had it....I knew that there was no possible real relationship with anyone so I was more content with not having companionship....but now it's like...I feel weird, I can explain it. Sex was a big part of my life, I needed it, I always thought about it, and I still think about it, but I dunno where i'm going with this .....I just know that I feel left out, I feel unwanted, I feel like I was given the cold shoulder in life, in love, in sex and in everything ya know?

Well....i'm alive....and i'm healthy as far as I know so I guess I can't complain for now. Make sure you get tested and even if you're clean get tested more than once.