Life Update: "What's going on Eric?"

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm at work, working lol, might as well blog to stretch out the clock.....

Recently, since my "breakdown," things have been going fairly smooth for me. My job isn't too stressful, I've been saving money, I got a new car, I've been going to the gym and I've noticed results so I'm sticking with it, I have been more social, meeting new people, I've been looking into business ventures with Co-Workers, and I feel like I'm making smart moves to establish a good future for myself.

I feel repetitive though. During the week-days all I do is work, go to the gym, eat, then repeat. I feel regular and very mediocre. Hopefully with the people I've been dealing with, my life will become more exciting.

I still keep a tight circle. Same friends. New girls I've met are cool but annoying. They don't really do anything annoying in particular but it annoys me when girls expect more than what I feel like I want to offer. It's just the simple fact that I don't want to get to know a girl deeper than acquaintance wise. I don't even want to call them friends because friends are people who you care about, seek and value their company, randomly call when you want conversation or advice, and know that you can depend on them if you're in trouble and need help. So basically girls I talk to aren't there for anything but to keep me occupied and I'm doing my best to keep it neutral so they don't get led on.

Also, when it comes to girls, sexual activity is a factor. The past few months I've been in situations where I've been "in the moment" and I didn't want to do anything. The funny thing is, I talk and act like I want to do it but then once it's time I get this shitty feeling and I don't give in. I guess I "front" just enough to make sure I still have what it takes to seduce a girl. It's been sooo long for me. It's got to the point where I've honestly forgot what pussy feels like, I don't even have a vivid memory of what it looks like anymore...lmao! Just kidding. I want it so fuckin bad though, when I finally do start being sexually active again I'm probably gonna be a monster sexually from all the built up tension. Sometimes I just feel like I should be a man and get it over with because my friends and everyone else I know is getting theirs like it's nothing which makes me feel like a bitch and i'm over analyzing but what's stopping me is my past. So that's basically what's going on, I'm debating on rather I should have feelings for a girl before I become intimate with her because I want intimacy but I don't want to do it with just any bitch and I don't want to have emotions or relationships but is that wrong? Ha... sucks for me that I'm struggling with this because I'm sexually frustrated to a maximum but at least I have the integrity and patients to reject a woman.

Eric Davis